Desires constantly drive people—whether it’s for material wealth, success, or the approval of others. But why do we desire so many things? Why do we feel envious and jealous of others? Why do we experience sadness, anxiety, and anger? These emotions may stem from our inability to carve out a life uniquely our own. When we are constantly comparing ourselves to others or striving to meet external expectations, it’s easy to lose sight of our own needs and desires. Living without a personal sense of purpose in this age of freedom may sound paradoxical, yet it reflects a common reality. We often get caught up in trivial concerns—whether it’s procrastination, wondering why someone hasn’t replied to a message, or striving for societal ideals like securing a good job to achieve fulfillment. These narratives shape our thoughts and behaviors, becoming invisible frameworks for our lives, much like water is to fish.
However, these frameworks are not immutable. In fact, they can be reshaped with intention and reflection. In the past, the idea of the “ideal life” was entirely different—some even idealized leisure as the pinnacle of nobility. Today, that ideal has shifted towards productivity and achievement, yet many still find themselves unfulfilled. Despite this, we grow up internalizing current narratives as though they are the only options. Renowned psychological illusionist Derren Brown refers to this as a “lack of copyright.” That is, we often lack the ability to write our own stories. Brown argues that only by reclaiming this copyright can we live authentically and find happiness. By doing so, we can design a life that aligns with our true values and passions rather than being driven by societal pressures.
The Role of Narratives in Our Lives
Our brains are designed to process countless streams of information from both internal and external sources, filtering them into comprehensible reports. The “Default Mode Network” (DMN) plays a pivotal role in maintaining our sense of identity by connecting past and future thoughts into a cohesive self-concept. This identity serves as a mental algorithm, helping us efficiently navigate the overwhelming influx of data. Through this network, we draw on our memories, experiences, and emotions to create a consistent narrative that defines who we are. In fact, recent studies have shown that the DMN is active not only when we are at rest but also when we are recalling past events or imagining future scenarios. This internal dialogue shapes our perceptions, guiding us through daily decisions and long-term goals.
However, these narratives are inherently subjective. Just as movies “based on true stories” embellish reality, our perception of life is filtered through stories created by our brains. This storytelling tendency is not new; philosophers like Plato and Aristotle sought to explain the world through grand narratives, from Plato’s theory of immutable ideals to Aristotle’s notion of the four elements (Hardy, 2019). These ancient frameworks laid the foundation for how we understand and interpret the world today. Modern psychology and neuroscience have further explored how these internal narratives affect our self-perception and decision-making processes. Cognitive biases, such as confirmation bias, reinforce our tendency to view events through the lens of our pre-existing stories, often distorting reality and limiting our growth.
The Evolution of Narratives
For centuries, religion provided comprehensive narratives about life’s purpose, eliminating the need for individuals to question the meaning of their existence. These religious stories offered clear guidelines for how to live, what to value, and what would happen after death, providing a sense of security and belonging. However, as the Renaissance and Enlightenment shifted focus toward human reason and individuality, people began seeking personal meaning and happiness. Philosophers like René Descartes and John Locke promoted the idea that individuals were the architects of their own identity, encouraging people to challenge traditional narratives. Yet, this freedom exposed the vulnerability of a self untethered to fixed narratives, leading some to struggle with existential uncertainty and the overwhelming choice of how to shape their own lives.
Today, consumerism exploits this vulnerability. Advertisements bombard us with prepackaged stories about what we should do, where we should live, and what we should wear to be considered valuable. The rise of social media has only intensified this pressure, with influencers and celebrities promoting lifestyles that appear to offer fulfillment. While we believe we are freely choosing among various options, we are often following paths laid out by others. These external narratives are designed to persuade us to adopt certain behaviors and desires, subtly steering us away from self-determined choices. This dependence on external narratives is fragile; when someone else’s story seems more appealing, our own story quickly loses significance (Garratt, 2020). Research has shown that constant exposure to idealized images can diminish self-esteem and increase anxiety as people struggle to meet unrealistic standards.
We have the following five fundamental storylines:
1. The Main Character in the Story of Ourselves
In your own story, you are the main character. What role are you playing? Do you feel like the underdog or the hero? An adventurer? A princess? Are you a romance hero, a comedy hero, or an action movie hero? What do these roles mean to you? Each of us interprets our role based on past experiences and how we see ourselves in the world, whether as victors or those facing obstacles. Our personal identities are constantly shaped by the stories we tell ourselves, and these narratives often evolve as we face new challenges and achievements.
You can alter your perception of yourself by changing the way you define yourself. A lot of people who have been abused prefer to call themselves overcomers or survivors rather than victims. They feel empowered as a result, which they can utilize to make new decisions about their lives. Consider the way you present yourself to people and the statements you make to convey your identity. Which type of main character are you referring to? This change in perspective can dramatically impact how others perceive you and how you interact with the world, ultimately leading to a transformation in your life’s plot.
2. The Plot of Our Life’s Story
The story you tell about past events is called the storyline. For instance, “I never do anything right” may be your basic narrative. Failure is the story’s central subject. The chapters or scenes in your novel are based on past occurrences (or interpretations of events) that support this plot. Therefore, a drama or heartbreaking tale about failure could be the “movie” of your life. The recurring themes in your narrative can either hold you back or propel you forward, depending on how you choose to frame them.
What if you made the decision to alter that plot by emphasizing all the instances in which you persisted in trying again after failing? Consider yourself the film editor, reliving the events of your life. What sort of movie would you like to see? Which sequences will remain in the movie? Which ones are you going to cut? Which overarching idea would you like your story to depict? Shifting your focus from failure to resilience can reshape your entire outlook, highlighting your growth instead of your setbacks.
Think about who wrote the story’s script as well. Are you following someone else’s script that, for instance, specifies the type of career you should pursue? What would be different if you were writing the script? Many people unknowingly live according to the expectations and standards set by others, but reclaiming authorship of your story can empower you to create a more authentic and fulfilling narrative.
3. The Supporting Cast: The Tales of Our Relationships
We frequently unintentionally write the parts we want other people to play in our narrative. You can be dissatisfied or upset when your friends or partners don’t act in a way that aligns with your expectations. Are they aware that they have been assigned to that role? Are they aware of the lines they are expected to deliver? Keep in mind that they are the main characters in their own narrative as well, so their expectations may differ greatly from yours. This dynamic can lead to misunderstandings or friction unless both parties acknowledge the fluid and evolving nature of their roles.
Discuss your expectations for each other with the people who matter most in your life, and be willing to change your plan or even recast a portion of it. Open communication allows for deeper understanding, ensuring that everyone involved feels valued and respected in their roles. By sharing your personal narratives, you allow others to see your perspective and help co-create a healthier, more balanced relationship.
4. Our Family’s Story: The Backstory
The majority of us strongly identify with our family heritage. I was raised with the knowledge that I come from a long line of readers, intellectuals, peacemakers, and hard workers. Stories of migration, camaraderie, and survival are etched in my family’s history. I feel like I belong and have continuity because of this past. These foundational narratives often serve as a source of strength, shaping our values and guiding our decisions in life.
But a lot of people have had their history disconnected. There are several reasons why the family story might have been forgotten, including cutoff, family strife, and closed adoption. The Holocaust and Holodomor, the residential school system and the “Sixties Scoop,” war, poverty, and other significant external influences have all contributed to a significant loss of familial identity. It is crucial in these situations to locate that backstory and interpret it. Understanding our family history can provide healing and a sense of continuity, even when the past is painful or fragmented.
Gather your family’s stories if you can. Create a family tree and search for resiliency and strong patterns that you can use in your narrative. Think about the family history you want to leave for the next generation if you are no longer able to tell these tales. By preserving and passing down these stories, you not only keep your family’s legacy alive but also provide future generations with a sense of identity and belonging.
5. The Sequels: The Tale of Our Future
What further directions might your story take? What actions can you take right now to ensure that stories of opportunity, hope, and rehabilitation are featured in the next episodes? Each new chapter in your life is an opportunity to shape the direction of your narrative, whether through career choices, personal relationships, or community involvement. The decisions you make today can serve as the foundation for the next phase of your journey.
We can alter how we interpret our experiences, even though we might not be able to alter the environment we live in. Examining the narratives you tell about yourself and looking for methods to rewrite your personal story will help you achieve this. Embracing new perspectives and making conscious choices about how you respond to life’s challenges can open up fresh opportunities for growth and fulfillment.
Mandy Aftel’s book, The Story of Your Life: Becoming the Author of Your Experience (Simon and Schuster, 1997), shows some insights about delving deeper into the significance of stories in your own life (Schroeder, 2021). Her work encourages readers to reframe their personal stories, helping them to become the protagonists in their own transformative journeys.
Reframing through Stoicism
Derren Brown suggests that we can regain control by changing how we interpret the world—what philosophers call “reframing.” This concept is central to Stoic philosophy, which originated with Zeno in ancient Greece. Unlike misconceptions that Stoicism is about suppressing desires, its core lies in shifting perspectives. By altering our interpretations of events, Stoicism teaches that we can cultivate resilience and peace of mind. It encourages us to focus on the things we can control, such as our thoughts, actions, and reactions, while accepting the things we cannot.
For example, luck is not an objective reality but a product of interpretation. A hole-in-one in golf might be seen as extraordinary luck, while countless other shots are forgotten. This illustrates how events gain meaning only through the stories we attach to them. The perspective we choose to adopt shapes our emotional responses and, in turn, our experience of the world. In the Stoic view, by recognizing that luck is a human construct, we empower ourselves to avoid becoming overly attached to the unpredictable elements of life.
Roman emperor and Stoic philosopher Marcus Aurelius emphasized this point, stating that external events do not harm us; rather, our judgments about those events create suffering. By halting these judgments, we can avoid unnecessary pain and focus on what is within our control (Garratt, 2020). Practicing this mental discipline allows us to cultivate inner calm and make better decisions rather than reacting impulsively to life’s challenges. As we shift our judgments, we also gain the ability to find contentment, regardless of external circumstances.
Conclusion
Designing our own lives involves embracing the power to reshape the stories we tell about ourselves, allowing us to break free from external pressures and societal narratives that often define our path. By reframing our experiences and perceptions, we gain control over how we respond to life’s challenges rather than simply reacting to them. Stoicism provides a practical framework for this transformation, encouraging us to focus on what is within our control—our thoughts, actions, and attitudes—while letting go of the need to control external circumstances. The key is not to suppress our desires or emotions but to interpret them in a way that fosters growth and resilience. As we reclaim authorship over our lives, we can create a narrative that aligns with our values, passions, and aspirations, moving toward a future that reflects our true selves. Ultimately, by taking ownership of our personal stories, we open ourselves up to greater fulfillment, authenticity, and peace.
Modern therapeutic approaches such as cognitive reappraisal, mindfulness, and psychedelic treatments are uncovering the profound impact of reshaping our mental narratives. Remarkably, these methods echo the ancient wisdom of the Stoics, who explored similar concepts centuries ago. In his book Happy, Derren Brown demonstrates how the Stoic teachings can help us dismantle the destructive stories that often control our lives, empowering us to replace them with narratives of resilience and personal strength. By taking ownership of these stories, we can cultivate lasting contentment that remains unaffected by external circumstances. These practices offer more than just temporary relief; they provide tools for long-term mental clarity and emotional balance. Furthermore, embracing the art of reframing allows individuals to face challenges with a mindset of growth rather than defeat. As we consciously shape our internal narratives, we create a foundation for a more fulfilling and peaceful existence.
References
Garratt, S. (2020). How to design a life you love. [online] The Creative Life. Available at: https://thecreativelife.net/how-to-design-a-life/ [Accessed 7 Dec. 2024].
Hardy, B. (2019). How to Rewrite Your Past Narrative. [online] Psychology Today. Available at: https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/quantum-leaps/201907/how-rewrite-your-past-narrative [Accessed 7 Dec. 2024].
Schroeder, W. (2021). How To Rewrite Your Own Story – Lessons From Narrative Therapy – Crisis & Trauma Resource Institute. [online] ctrinstitute.com. Available at: https://ctrinstitute.com/blog/how-to-rewrite-your-own-story-lessons-from-narrative-therapy/ [Accessed 7 Dec. 2024].
